I found God

=)=)

grateful

It's been such an interesting few months for me. I've been soaking everything in and learning, and being. And I am just really very happy right now. I've come to a lot of realizations and I guess if you would look at me just today from a few days ago, or a week ago, I am pretty different. I don't mean, I dyed my hair or anything, I mean if you observed how I act, etc. I have been building relationships here in Indy that I will cherish forever.

I love knowing that I am being accepted as who I really am, rather than false situations and false happinesses. (happinesses? I don't know. I'm gonna keep it anyway.) So, basically, I see beauty every day, everywhere. From when I wake up in the morning to when I go to sleep at night. and everything in between. I just look around and think, "I am so grateful for everything in my life right now, I could not ask for any more at all, and I just love everything." Isn't that great?

Yeah, especially with it being winter! I love.

I wish I could put this feeling into words better, but basically, I'm just really content. and appreciative.

my heart is......full.

Oh. My. goodness.

My life is so incredibly crazy. I always make plans knowing they will change, but this is getting a little out of hand.

Anyway, here's a tiny update: I'm working for IDDS as an office assistant, good job, good pay, really happy there. There are options in the future, but I won't reveal those until I know for sure, as I don't want to get my hopes up and such. I am pretty happy overall, laughing a good amount, etc. However, at the moment I am somewhat down in the dumps... mostly just because it was one of those days, but also because I get lonely really easily. I hate how that word sounds, though. It's so pathetic. But, it's true. so....there's that. It's an ongoing thing, usually at night. Nights are always the hardest.

I need something.. I don't know what it is, but I know I need it. I can feel it creeping up every once in awhile... this need.. it's very familiar, yet very vague at the same time. Interesting.

Thanksgiving plans aren't too exciting. Carly and the family are here til Saturday, and Friday we go to My dad's girlfriends house for her holiday celebration andn whatnot. That's about it.

Been biking quite a bit recently, feels good. I don't want it to get cold so that I can't train on an actual bike though. booooo.


I have this feeling of being lost right now. it's always temporary, but it happens.


I'm all wumbly jumbly in my words, so I'm gonna go now.

I NEED SLEEP.

in limbo..

So, my job at the church ends on Friday. I will have a month and a half before I move to Florida. (I would go right away, but the holidays are coming up...etc.) I am going to be doing a lot of oddjobs here and there, you know, babysitting, etc. But, on top of that, I am going to volunteer my little tooshie off, so that I don't A) go crazy and B) spend the money I've been saving for Florida. no, that would be bad. It's going to be a hard month and a half, but I think as long as I just make good use of the time with something meaningful, it will fly by. I hope I get enough jobs here and there so that I don't spend too much money. And with the Holidays coming up, that's going to be expensive as well.

Atleast I'll get to catch up on some sleep for a little bit, right? And do some artwork. It's extremely difficult for me to not go visit people....I have lots of time, a good amount of money...and nothing to do. But I can't spend the money. I have to be responsible and have a good "cushion" of money so that if worst comes to worst, I will be okay.

I hate that. Especially when I miss people like crazy and they are so far away and I don't know when I will see them again.

I am also going to bike. A LOT. I mean, until I freeze. (Another advantage of going to Florida)

I have an extremely busy Wednesday - Sunday, and then a month of absolute nothingness. Interesting.

Everything is going well, though. That's the only interesting news I've gotten in the past week or however long it's been since I've posted on here...


Also, I freaking love sitting curled up in a blanket drinking chamomile and honey before sleeptime. That is just the best...if only I had someone to curl in the blanket with! Someday...

Ehhhh

I am very sleep deprived. I forget what a real sleep even feels like! This entire week has been the same kind of sleep. Waking up about avery 45 minutes wide awake. Who knows why, but then I stay up for atleast a half hour trying to go back to sleep. It isn't the most pleasant thing in the world.

But last night was the worst. I woke up at 3:30am in agonizing pain. It was cramps, except that it was cramps from hell. I was so close to going to the hospital. and if you know me at all you know that I HATE going to the doctor, hospital, or anything related. So, if I do go, you know I'm in a lot of pain. If it wasn't at 3:30am and on my mother's birthday, I probably would've gone. Anyway, so I stayed up cringing and crying because of the pain for aroooouuund an hour and a half. It finally subsided, and I went back to sleep around 5 or 6. Oy. I. Need. Sleep.

it is amazing

Random acts of kindness. I tell you, they are what make the world a better place. Whether it's something you are consciously doing as an act of kindness, or something you just do, and it is perceived as an act of kindness....it. is. amazing.

Today, I woke up sort of grumpy. The kids were over, and of course they wake up aroun 5:30-6:30, which normally is fine, because then I just get up early to start the day. However, I could NOT sleep at all last night and didn't go to sleep until around 2:30am. So, waking up at 6am to screaming children wasn't exactly first on things I wanted to happen in my life. But of course, it did. Not to mention that horrible, horrible sound coming from the laundry room, that seriously gives me murderous thoughts (don't worry, only to appliances)....the dryer makes this buzzing sound that goes for a good 20 seconds straight when a load is done. the laundry room is about ten feet away from my bed. Whenever this sound goes off, I imagine that seen from that movie, where they throw appliances off a cliff and they blowup when they hit the groun. It drives me insane.

So, after shifting positions and putting the pillow over my head about 25 times throughout a period of about 2 and a half hours, I reluctantly drag myself out of bed a half hour before I have to leave. no breakfast or shower.

I am given a somewhat tedious, to me, kind of...not pointless, but...i-have-better-things-to-do-with-my-time task...

But then, A lady from the church comes in with my favorite meal from Panera, the mediteranean veggie sandwich, an apple, and iced tea, and sits with me for about 45 minutes and we have a delightful lunch.

Now, this may seem like a simple thing to happen during the day, however, my job is in an empty church all day long with little or no human interaction throughout the day. So, sitting and chatting with someone during lunch really makes it that much better for me. It made my week,and I am so very grateful for the genuine nice people, who are pleasant and awesome.

If you read this, take the time in the next week or so to do a random act of kindness. Send an anonymous package, buy someone lunch, give the cashier a twenty and say the next few coffees are from anonymous. It really, truly pays off. Because not only do you make someone's day or week, you also empower them to be proactive and make the day for someone THEY know...

Pay it forward.
=)

<3

So, here is my question for the day. Why do we focus so much on logic when making life altering decisions? (Before you laugh and brush that one off as a dumb question, read on.) Obviously, logic must be involved somewhat in these decisions, but as a society, we are increasingly finding it unacceptable to look at anything BUT logic. It isn't a great situation, if you ask me. We must INCORPORATE logic into our plans, while still sticking to the heart of the matter.

Let's take a look at love. Romantic relationships, marriages, what have you. If you are having trouble with your partner, and go to a friend for advice, do you think they would say, "well, is it logical? Does it make sense to be with this person? Will they help you out financially, is their genetic makeup one that would make gorgeous babies when mixed with yours? Will they help you keep a stable confidence of routine in your everyday life?" No, they would not ask you that. They would ask you one question. "Well, do you love them?" That's it. Because love knows no logic or plan.

In my personal experiences, love, well, it's pretty much life. No matter what kind. Without love there is no life, and it is the center of everything.

So, I don't know about you, but I'm going to follow my heart....follow the love. cause for me there is nothing more logical than that.



In the words of my favorite musician, Bob Sima:

Have you ever asked yourself...
Have you ever really sat down and asked yourself...
What is it that makes my head and my heart collide?
and what am I gonna do when it comes down to choosing sides?
Have you ever asked yourself..
Have you ever really sat down and asked yourself..
What is it that makes my soul catch fire?
and what is it that I really believe inside?
Have you ever really listened...
to that little voice inside your head?
Well when it really comes down to it,
you just shouldn't have to think about it
Well when it really comes down to it
you just go with your heart
'Cause it's easy to see where you're going
when you follow the love

What is it that makes my plans and my dreams collide?
and what am I gonna do when it comes down to choosing sides?

It's easy to see where you're going when you follow the love...
don't change your mind
don't change your mind
don't change your mind
don't change your mind
don't change your mind

My mind is not so analytical at the moment.

it's true, and simple, and we forget it MUCH too often.

Hey ...Teachers! .....Leave those kids alone!

So, I've been thinking. about the future, and all that crap.
I've always said I would go to school when I was ready. That I want to adventure as much as I can and LIVE life as much as possible before I commit to 4 years of somewhat dull classes and education.

Well, I'd say I've done pretty well with "living" life so far, enough in fact, that I know how to make the living interesting and fun, no matter what I'm doing. Because I used to have the mindset that if I'm not out traveling, being crazy, you know...DOING things, that I'd get caught up in the dull routine of going to a mediocre college, getting a mediocre degree, followed by a mediocre job....you get the idea.

However, what I've found on my journeys away from home, is that it really doesn't matter what you do...it's HOW you do it. School actually has a lot of other really cool opportunities other than just getting a degree. There are clubs, sports, organizations....really awesome ways to get involved. AND it is an awesome environment to be proactive and start BIG things. I think if I just go into it with a mindset of being ready, excited, and willing....well I think I could actually be REALLY happy at a university. Plus, it leaves the summers open for any travels I might want to take.

I think as long as I don't lose my main beliefs and values....the "me" I found while journeying....well, I think I'll be happy. :)

I really really REALLY want to go to school in the West. Preferably the West coast area. California has always had a hold on me. My friend is going to a school in Washington and it sounds like something I would REALLY love.

This is totally just thoughts and ideas, but I think I'll start applying soon...just in case. :)

Happiness

"Happiness only real when shared"

This was the quote that Christopher Mccandless wrote in a book while "living off the land", if you will. He was alone in the wilderness for quite sometime, and this was something he wanted to share near the end of his experiences in the wild.

I couldn't agree more with this quote, especially at this time in my life.

It can be compared easily to the lack of release for any other emotion, such as anger, sadness, desperation. We, as humans, need to express ourselves in order to stay sane. Most of us have learned from experiences what it is that helps us release emotions. Whether it be writing, playing music, listening to music, talking it out, exercise, or hugs, we know what we need to do for release. Some of us, and probably all of us at some point, forget to release, and keep everything bottled up. We have learned through numerous psychological studies and tests, that is is unhealthy to keep negative emotions bottled up inside.

The reasons we keep things pent up vary. My own reasoning is simply, why bother? Yes, I might get slightly irritated with a comment my mother makes, or the way a friend brushes off something very important to me, but what is the point in bringing it up when I know I will get over it extremely soon? I don't want to make things any more difficult than they are in everyday life. Might as well keep it smooth and carefree, right?

Some people disagree. "People have trouble managing anger and other negative emotions. Anger is often one of the few emotions men consider it "acceptable" to display.Studies show that the ability to identify and label emotions correctly, and talk about them straightforwardly to the point of feeling understood, makes negative feelings dissipate." says Hara Estroff Marano, an award winning writer for Psychology Today.

So, yes, it is evident that we hear all about the negative effects of not expressing out negative emotions when they come up. It's everywhere. On the news, in the papers...I don't think there is a professional out there that believes differently.

But have you ever heard of the negative effects of keeping POSITIVE emotions bottled up? Well....no. I mean, if talking about negative emotions makes them dissipate, then let's shut up about our happiness! I'll keep it all for myself, Thank you very much! Seems logical, right?

Wrong. You must release positive emotions as well....maybe not so much release as radiate..but either way. When you feel your heart fill with excitement, happiness, joy, etc., our first instinct is to jump up and down and tell the whole world. If we keep this feeling inside, it doesn't stay there and just keep you happy for a prolonged period of time....if you keep positive emotions bottled up, they dissipate, rather than the other way around.

So how do we express our happiness? True, we may write, play music, exercise, etc. just the same when we feel excited or joyous, however, the most fulfilling way to express these emotions is to talk to someone about them.

Now, as I understand it, if you run up to a stranger on the street with the utmost excitment and energy, and yell "GUESS WHAT!!?!? I FINALLY GOT THE PROMOTION I HAVE BEEN WANTING! YESSSS!!!"....there may be a select few people that would go with it and act just as excited, but I'm pretty sure the majority of the world would react in a perplexed-I'm dealing with a crazy person-please don't take my money- sort of way.

So to radiate happiness, and for it to be real in your own heart, you must find a friend or loved one, who understands your happiness or excitement. Someone you can share it with, and will want to celebrate with you.

Coming back to my personal life connection to this topic, this is the main reason I think moving to Florida is the right choice for me at this time. I am happy, sure, and yes, I have family and a few people I can share it with. However, it is that special bond, that relationship I have with Morgan and Katrina, who are going through a lot of the same things as I am in life, that makes it possible for them to understand my feelings and truly appreciate them for what they are. It makes a HUGE difference to me.

Not to mention, the amount of happiness created when with these two, mostly through laughter always, outweighs the monetary, etc. aspects of the situation.

:)

Beach Condo, Here I come!

It's official. I'm moving to Florida on December 30th. I will be starting the new year on the beach, which will be right across the street from the condo I live in with my two best friends. high five.

Meanwhile, in Indiana, the trees are the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I forget how AMAZINGLY beautiful autumn is.



Oh,and anyone is welcome to come visit in Sunny Florida if you get sick of cold wintery places.

I think that's all for now.
Toodle-oo

Dork-a-licious

So,I'm reading a pretty funny book and I laugh out loud. I stop, look around, and face an extremely intense, serious realization: I am the biggest dork in the world. I'm in my room, reading, on a Saturday night, laughing out loud at this book by myself...okay, so this maybe isn't THAT abnormal, and not so dorky....but one more thing....

I'm in a onesie.





I was going to go on and explain how much of a dork I am, but I think that picture pretty much says it all.


You best be glad you know me. You know you love it.

Rest and Rejuvenation

For the past two weeks or so I've been having trouble sleeping. I either can't sleep, or I go to sleep really easily and wake up about six times throughout the night. It has had a lot to do with the stress I've been dealing with through the whole future/infinite opportunities/decisions thing. So, last night, after a long and MUCH needed talk with my mother about what kind of things I need to do in order to go where I want and get things accomplished in an orderly manner, I finally got a good night's sleep. Eleven hours, to be exact.

SLEEP. DOES. WONDERS. It amazes me! After one good, long night of sleep, I was up and ready to go for the day. I went on a run, cleaned up a bit, drew for awhile, and wrote some letters,etc. Had someone told me yesterday that I would be doing all of this stuff today, I would have laughed in their face. I was mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. Here's to weekends! *clink*

So, if you don't know this about me already, I'm someone who likes to have big ideas and plans and make them happen. Some people think of me as a very spontaneous, lets-go-to-rome-tomorrow, crazy person. Which....to a certain extent, I definitely am. But it's more like, I'm sitting with a group of people, we get our creative minds turning on some cool idea (ex. go taking food to the homeless on a weekend) and we all get really hyped about it, and I say, "okay. So let's do it." and then we do. I'm not an advocate for huge, life-changing decisions made in a split second. I actually think about my decisions fully and logically....most of the time. To a lot of people this Florida thing seems like a spur of the moment decision. Little do they know Morgan and Katrina and I have been talking about it since March. I just backed out in late June.

On a completely different topic, I have to raise $500 for Bike and Build within the first two months. Help me out?

This blog doesn't exactly have a point, but I guess that's sort of the point of blogs. I'm still getting used to having a blog that people can actually see. Strange difference.

Much love.

My first blog

Everyone's doing it. This blog thing is all the new rage. I actually have three different ones. (pathetic, isn't it?) One is a somewhat private blog, that about two of my friends have access to. It's where I vent, about anything and everything, and I truly do go crazy.  Another is the blog I plan to update while on my Bike and Build adventure . And then, there is this one.

This blog has many purposes (of course it does, it's me). Mostly to get feedback and thoughts on my analyzing of the world, people, actions, words, etc. If you know me at all, you know that I look far deeper into things than they are supposed to be looked into. I find meaning in everything. Which, yes, definitely has it's advantages. But a LOT of the time, it's disadvantages are what really stand out. (For example, I am overly sensitive. Someone might say something meaning absolutely no harm, and I will take it to the heart. then, MAYHEM.)

I digress.

Here, in this blog, I will ask questions, look for meaning, seek the truth. I will be ridiculous, surprise you with meaning towards things you never would've even believed to had purpose before. It will drive you crazy, and make you want to yell at me for complicating everything in life when really, it is so simple.

So yell. I want feedback. :) That is, if you can keep up.

I think this first one will be pretty simple and not too overly analytical, because I forgot the topic I was planning on writing about. Here goes.

I recently got back from a trip to Florida, where two of my very best friends, Morgan and Katrina reside.


We all have been best friends all throughout AmeriCorps. we helped eachother when our teams were getting on our nerves, when we didn't think we could take the militaristic aspects of the program any longer, when our site supervisor was giving us the motivation to punch them in the face daily. Through love problems, friend problems, life problems.

As you can imagine, after not seeing these girls for awhile, it was EXTREMELY refreshing. Being there with them made me feel great. FREE. You see, I forgot what it felt like.

There are two different kinds of friendships to me. There is the kind that is rooted from laughter, continued on through connections and commonalities, kept based on loyalty and being there. Then, there is the kind that is born out of boredom, continued through fun, and kept because of desperation. (okay, so it isn't that simple, and there are totally a plethora of different types of friendships. bare with me.) But these are the two that I have in my life right now. Not to "dog" on some of my friends here in Indy, but being in a program like AmeriCorps and going through it with someone....it creates a diffferent kind of bond you can't even imagine. A place where you can go. Not just people you can spend time with, but people who keep you sane.
These people, there is something about them, about the bond, the relationship....that makes you totally comfortable, totally okay with life, totally OKAY TO BE YOURSELF. There is absolutely no judgement, just support.

I forgot what that felt like until I went to Florida. It was fantastic, fun, full of laughter and good conversation.

And then I came back. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends here. but all of the sudden it all felt dull and boring to me. and I felt as though I couldn't be the fun, free spirit I really am. I was held down by expectations, responsibilities....cold weather. ;) Which, of course, I can't expect to have zero responsibility in life. but it is these friendships, these types of connections in life that you make....it is these, that make it all worthwhile. And I found out something. I really, really need that in my life.

I know I can't live life like a vacation. I know I have duties and obligations and adult things. However, I also know I need my girls to help me get through it. I have been thinking about moving to Florida ever since March (ish). I decided not too because we hadn't quite gotten the bond completely tied and I was worried it wouldn't work. Now, I can't stop thinking about it, and I miss them everyday. It's a bit ridiculous. I'm holding back tears at work because something really stupid will remind me of them.

A few people don't understand why I am even considering it. It's funny, how, to me, the simple solution, and the most obvious thing I need to do to be happy, is completely an idiotic thing to do in other's eyes.

I'm working on it. We will see. I will update.
For now, this is how I am feeling.